British psychotherapist, Laura J Stephens, already had the living abroad tee-shirt, and believed that another intercontinental move, this time to a country where they spoke the same language, would be child’s play. How wrong she was! This always candid and often humorous memoir demonstrates that things don’t always go as expected – particularly with three kids in tow and an oft-absent husband. Setting up home in Houston placed Stephens in the eye of hurricane Ike, a frisky piano teacher and a crushing loss of identity as she came to terms with losing her hard won career.
Its been a strange year. People are wandering around Europe, weary and desperate, in a way previously unseen. Democracy was served here in the form of Britain voting to leave the European Union, and sadly, the two events are linked.
The PM fell on his sword for asking the Brexit question and the UK got its second female prime minster. Mrs May reminds me of an austere, yet reliable head teacher. Let us hope she can keep the class in order while overseeing the school.
Closer to home, I have recently experienced bereavement. I found this intensely personal, yet commonplace experience, unlike anything else. Emotions come and go; sometimes they bubble up … It has only been weeks, so I am still adjusting.
It struck me recently that myself and others have likened the process of grief to other experiences of loss, such as moving from country to country. There are some similarities in the nature of the cycle; the ebb and flow of shock, denial and with any luck, acceptance. The difference of losing someone you love is the knowledge they are gone forever. If only you could book a flight to go and see them occasionally or even just once more … It’s a shock to find you have no choice, they are out of reach and the timing and nature of their departure was beyond your control.
In the case of an elderly parent, like mine, you may bring some influence to bare on their final days, endeavouring to give them as good an ‘ending’ as possible. I am thankful to have had that opportunity to be there, and I hope, help a little. I found death profound, much like birth it involves a breath; the first or the last.
Within the nougat of life there have been blessings along with the challenges; some things have gone as hoped. A highlight was a restorative break in Sivota, Greece. A holiday was never more welcome, and the breath taking view from the optimistically named ‘retreat’ (think minestrone of kids yelping in pool) provided a fine place to reflect and a chance to become institutionalised, for all the best reasons.
At the beginning of 2016, I decided to write a novel. The characters, plot line and themes had been swirling in my head for more than a year. Building work on my house had been the excuse for not getting started. In January, I went on a Guardian Master Class course, run by author, Jill Dawson and put procrastination to one side. A Saturday spent with other souls compelled to write, was the catalyst I needed to open my PC and type Chapter 1.
This month I have completed a first draft of the manuscript. Tada! Writing a novel; the act of telling a story, has been utterly absorbing and at times, a welcome diversion. There is a need for discipline and much time sacrificed (obviously) but I’ve found living with my characters; directing their lives – watching them develop as they struggle, discover secrets, fall in love, hear them speak and so on, has been fun.
Fingers are crossed for modest success, though I’m not quite ready to launch my novel at the world yet. Apparently Jeffrey Archer goes through his manuscript fourteen times before he sends it to his agent. Why fourteen? I’m not sure. But I’ve got the message …
All of the above has kept me distracted from writing my blog, although I have still enjoyed reading other people’s! Is it a cliché to say, I haven’t been in the right place? Sometimes there is a limit to how many areas we can direct our energies; work, kids, husbands, elderly relatives – did I mention the cats … I imagine you have your own list.
Am I trying to justify my absence from here? Probably …
I do hope this finds you well.
It was a treat to read Turkey Street and write a review on Jack Scott’s fabulous follow up to Perking The Pansies.
A tall elderly man, shrouded in a pale blue cotton blanket is being wheeled to a nearby ambulance. Squinting through the evening’s gloom, I stop to watch as he is gently manoeuvred in to the back of the ambulance and driven away.
Relieved and moist eyed I trudge up the hill to retrieve my car. I have just watched my Dad leaving hospital following five days of treatment for pneumonia. He is on his way home despite not being well enough to sit up in a wheelchair. I tried to persuade the doctor to keep him until morning – when he’d have more energy for the journey – they were sympathetic but resolute; they needed the bed.
Four nights before, Dad had arrived in Accident & Emergency with breathing difficulties, the lack of nursing staff and five-hour wait to see a doctor were clues that he wouldn’t be transferred to a ward any time soon.
I stayed up all night with Dad and caught three hours sleep in the middle of the next day before going straight back to the hospital. I’m not complaining, I was happy to do it and the staff did their best – they seemed overwhelmed by the number of patients, many of whom were elderly. It’s that time of year. But let’s not get distracted; this blog is about sleep anxiety.
I overheard one of the nurses telling a colleague she only gets one or two hours sleep at a time. It reminded me I would normally be worrying by now about how I would cope the next day; thinking I’d probably succumb to a cold and so forth.
Why then had my normal panic about missing a few hours sleep, never mind a whole night, not surfaced? I put this change down to the simple exercise I recently picked up in a self-help book Say Good Night Insomnia by Dr Gregg D. Jacobs.
A few weeks back, I followed the advice to make a note of the following
- the time I got in to bed
- went to sleep
- length of periods of wakefulness in the night
- time I woke up
- how many hours I allotted for sleep.
It only took me a few minutes each morning to complete the grid and tot up my total hours of sleep.
After a week I could see I was having at least six hours sleep – granted its not the longed for eight hours I’ve always believed I need. However, realising my overall average over the week, was seven hours plus a night, really surprised me. For the first time I felt less anxious about how much sleep I am actually getting. Perhaps you know that feeling … It bubbles up at you whenever you can’t get straight off, wake in the night or wake too early?
Noticing the thoughts occupying my mind, such as ruminating over lack of sleep; negative thinking how will I cope if I’m tired sometimes made me fearful before I even got in to bed. What hope was there of sleeping! The diary of sleep hours was a wake up call, excuse the pun, because feeling reassured I am getting enough sleep has stopped me waking up in the night! And staying up all night with my father really brought that home to me.
Yes, I have looked tired this week, not surprising given the worry over my dear dad. As far as the missed night is concerned though, I’m not panicking, I know I can go to bed a little earlier over the next few evenings and my body will take what it needs. After all, I’m not a teenager – I’m not growing!
Writing this also prompted me to re read a blog I wrote back in November 2103 Sleep Solutions and reminded me of some of my own advice. Oops, bad habits can creep up on us …
Here are those sleep tips with a few new ones added. I hope you find them useful. Please share any you may to have to add in the comments box:
- Take advantage of your natural body clock – the circadian rhythm, and if possible reinforce it by keeping to a regular sleep pattern, even at weekends.
- Thinking; are you leaving all your thinking time until you are lying in bed? Try giving yourself some space to back track over the day and process your thoughts before you need to go to sleep. A good way of letting go is to work through your day, what you remember and how you felt until bedtime.
- Ruminating and worrying; if you’ve got something gnawing away at you, try talking it through with someone or keep a journal and write down how you feel. This should give you a sense of having shifted the problem and provide perspective. Night time waking can be linked to people having ‘a lot on their mind’, as the body’s subconscious uses the sleep phase, typically between 2:00 and 4:00 am, to process problems. Studies have shown that people who talk about their problems are less likely to wake up regularly in the night.
- If issues are beyond your immediate control or influence, focus on why it matters to you to shift resentment and angry feelings.
- Most people find they sleep better on days when they are physically active. We know that exercising releases feel good hormones that help relieve stress, so this in turn will help you sleep.
- Depression; if you are suffering from emotional difficulties and they have lasted more than a few weeks, you may be depressed. This is something I have experienced and wrote about in my memoir An Inconvenient Posting. The book includes a Do’s and Don’ts of Depression section. It is recommended you consult your doctor if you suspect you are depressed.
When going to bed:
- Turn off blue light emitting devices such as TVs, tablets and Smartphones, which cause the brain to be alert. Kindles and some e-readers do not emit blue light.
- Avoid reading or watching anything upsetting or unsettling on the run up to bedtime.
- Over stimulation from caffeine is a reality. If you are particularly sensitive to its affects watch out for chocolate as well because of the caffeine in cocoa beans.
- Exercising is good but not after 8:00 pm when it may rev up your system.
- Eating heavy or sweet food near bedtime will also hamper your levels of comfort and over stimulate your body.
- Distractions; got a noise you can’t block out? Invest in some good earplugs. I have friends who swear by them.
- Be comfortable; cool, dark and quiet. Have anything you need close at hand; water, eye shades etc. If something is not right (itchy clothing for example) sort out the problem straight away.
- Do not dwell on getting to sleep; focusing on the fear of not being able to sleep is the trademark of the insomniac. Negative thoughts and self-talk are guaranteed to keep you awake. Try techniques below.
- Imagine you are a night watchman and you are not allowed to go to sleep! Use the power of the paradox…
You might like to try some relaxation techniques:
- Just breathe… gently in through your nose and out through your mouth. Focus on your natural, deep breaths low down in your abdomen. This will help your mind step away from thinking and as you become the observer, switch off. If you find your mind keeps skipping on to other thoughts just notice this and gently come back to focusing on your breathing.
- Relaxation CDs and downloads; there are many different ones to choose from; some include guided relaxations which will help relieve tension in your muscles.
- Sleep aid CDs and downloads; many work on a similar principle to the relaxation aids, some include hypnotic, positive messages to help improve how you think and feel about sleep. Most also aim to benefit those who wake in the night and would like something to help them get back to sleep if they do. I tried Paul McKenna’s I can Make You Sleep which comes with a book, DVD and CD and found it helpful.
- Herbal Remedies and Bach’s Sleep Remedy; some people find Valerian is helpful for sleep disturbances and Bach’s remedies for balancing the body’s resources. You will need to mention any herbal remedy you are taking to your doctor if you are taking prescribed drugs.