Sleep Solutions

We all need enough sleep each night to nourish our brain and body ensuring we can feel at our best the following day. Isn’t it amazing that while we are not even aware of it our mind, body and spirit are fusing together, healing and restoring us. Neuroscience is still battling with understanding the human experience of sleep or put another way…

There are more things in heaven and earth, Horatio

Than are dreamt of in your philosophy

Hamlet

William Shakespeare

I used to be able to ensure a good night’s sleep by loosing myself in the pages of a book, now it’s not always that simple. So what’s gone wrong? Like many others, my life has got busier and busier over the years – a backdrop of work, domestic responsibilities, occasionally punctuated by more stressful events – nothing out of the ordinary (except perhaps moving countries several times as an expat).

When did you last sleep really well? I’ve asked myself. As a child growing up in Newcastle, I was always in bed before my older brothers (something I mildly resented from underneath the quilt in my little mustard bedroom). I remember mid summer’s fading light cast a glow through my calico curtains; backlit bunches of raspberry hued flowers seared a lasting image on my memory. With the memory is a sense of waiting for sleep to come, tiredness shunning my young bones in the wake of a school holiday induced high perhaps. Eventually a spiral of hymns and songs arranged and replayed in my mind, would comfort and lull me to slumber. Sleeping was never a problem, not then.

Have you noticed that people who sleep well don’t have to try? It just happens.girl asleep Hmm. Somewhere between the it just happens place of childhood and the I desperately need a good night’s sleep of mid-life motherhood, things deteriorated.  When one of our children was still a pre school-er it was easy to blame bouts of insomnia on being ever alert. Hard wired and hyper vigilant to night time noises, I persevered like so many other parents, through a disrupted sleep pattern of bleary interruptions and early morning demands for attention. Nowadays, nights are rarely broken by small people crying out for me and so I’ve finally realised it’s time to consider what’s going on?

Having set out to find out what I might do to help myself sleep better, I’m now two months into what I’ve come to think of as my ‘sleep improvement plan’ (sounds grand I know).  I thought I’d share some of the ideas that are helping me move me towards my goal of becoming a consistently good sleeper.  I’ve discovered that it really is all about being able to switch off (no surprises there) and learning not to worry about getting to sleep or anything else. Easier said than done you might think. Then read my top sleep tips, I’ve been pleasantly surprised how much a holistic approach to sleep disturbances can help.

  1. Thinking; notice your own behaviour; are you leaving all your thinking time until you are lying in the dark tossing and turning? Try giving yourself some space to back track over the day and process your thoughts before you need to go to sleep. Start from the time you woke and work through what you remember and how you felt until bedtime. This can be a good way of letting everything go and feeling becalmed.
  2. Ruminating and worrying; if you’ve got something gnawing away at you, try and talk it through with someone to gain perspective or keep a journal and write down how you feel. This should give you a sense of having shifted the problem a little, even if matters are beyond your immediate control or influence. You can control how you react and feel about problems and decide not to give them any more energy at this time (when sleep should take precedence). Imagine filing problems away for safe keeping until there is a more appropriate time to think about them.
  3. Depression; if you are suffering from emotional difficulties and they have lasted more than a few weeks or you are unable to lift you mood, you may be depressed. This is something I have experienced and written about in my memoir An Inconvenient Posting. The book includes a Do’s and Don’ts of Depression section. It is recommended that you consult your doctor if you suspect you are depressed.
  4. Night time waking can be linked to people having ‘a lot on their mind’, as the body’s subconscious uses the sleep phase, typically between 2:00 and 4:00 am, to process problems. Studies have shown that people who talk about their problems are less likely to wake up regularly in the night.
  5. Exercise. Most people find they sleep better on days when they are physically active. We know that exercising releases feel good hormones that help relieve stress, so this in turn will help you sleep.

When going to bed:

  1. Light emitting devices such as TVs and Smartphones cause the brain to be alert, so watching programmes in bed and checking Facebook or emails before trying to sleep is not helpful, however tempting. Twitter is a hungry bird and I’m guilty of this one!
  2. Over stimulation from caffeine is a reality. If you are particularly sensitive to its affects watch out for chocolate as well because of the caffeine in cocoa beans.
  3. Exercising is good but not after 8:00 pm when it will probably make you revved up and possibly too hot to sleep.
  4. Eating heavy or sweet food near bedtime will also hamper your levels of comfort and over stimulate your body.
  5. Distractions; Got a noise you can’t block out? Invest in some good ear plugs.
  6. Be comfortable; have anything you need such as eye shades, water and tissues close at hand. If something is not right (itchy clothing for example) it might be better to get out of bed and sort out the problem straight away, rather than battle on against discomfort. It will help you to feel confident that all is well and drift into sleep more easily if you are comfortable from the outset.
  7. Do not allow yourself to dwell on getting to sleep; focusing on the fear of not being able to sleep is an insomniac’s worst nightmare (sorry). Negative thoughts and self talk “I know I’m not going to get to sleep” are guaranteed to make things worse. Instead imagine you are a night watchman and you are not allowed to go to sleep! Use the power of the paradox…

You might like to try some relaxation techniques:

  1. Just breathe… gently in through your nose and out through your mouth. Focus on your natural, deep breaths and keep at it, this will help you step away from your thinking process and switch off. If you find your mind keeps skipping on to other thoughts just notice this and gently come back to focusing on your breathing.
  2. Relaxation CDs and downloads; there are many different ones to choose from; some include guided relaxations which will help relieve tension in your muscles.
  3. Sleep aid CDs and downloads; many work on a similar principle to the relaxation aids, some include hypnotic, positive messages to help improve how you think and feel about sleep.  Most also aim to benefit those who wake in the night and would like something to help them get back to sleep if they do. I tried Paul McKenna’s I can Make You Sleep which comes with a book, DVD and CD and found it helpful.
  4. Herbal Remedies and Bach’s Sleep Remedy; some people find Valerian is helpful for sleep disturbances and Bach’s remedies for balancing the body’s resources. You will need to mention any herbal remedy your are taking to your doctor if you are taking prescribed drugs.

Empty Nest?

Are you a paid up member of the “I hate change” club? If so, welcome to the majority – you are far from alone. The comments around losses I’ve encountered in the last few weeks reflect the fact that many of us dislike change.

Specifically, a number of friends are experiencing the departure of a child to college or university (and yes I know they are not strictly speaking children, but it still feels like they are). Cries of “I’m lost without them” resound in the heads of parents at this time of year. Hasty goodbyes in cramped, strange smelling spaces are combined with squished kisses somewhere between the eye socket and hair line and mum’s look away to hide moist eyes. Last minute pleas include, “Don’t forget to eat” and “When shall we speak?” Returning home the house can seem eerily different and empty of the energy and presence you took for granted. VARIOUS

Have you experienced a young family member moving out? If so you may be struggling to reconcile how your most treasured offspring will survive in that featureless, one room or noisy ‘halls of residence’. Those with a half full ‘nest’ may find the remaining siblings notice the difference too as the dynamics of the family experience a seismic shift. For better or worse, everyone feels the losses along with the pull to accept, adjust and adapt.

Most subtle are the emotional changes; for example, one friend noticed her youngest son had pacified and distracted with humour, when things got tense at home; she wasn’t aware of this until he’d left. Most of us have a role in the family system, maybe the yeller has departed; who will ‘carry the can’ and voice the family’s anger now? This could be a positive outcome of course, when a sibling and parent are alike they sometimes clash and it can be a relief when one of them has gone. That’s not easy to admit to anyone let alone yourself.

Parents usually find it challenging when their kids leave home for the first time because it is a big deal, and many changes require many adjustments. When the transition includes moving cities, or even countries, it is HUGE for the student too and in your heart you know it could be very tough for them. Speaking as a parent, I’d say that can be scary … I know expats who’ve ended up with themselves on one continent and two offspring at colleges in two others! What a lot to handle practically and emotionally.

Meanwhile, my friend Roz (a cup half full kind of gal) has just dropped her eldest son off to live in Bath, where he will begin three years of college life. She sees the positives; excited for him and his new life-style. With two other children in her care, she feels the positive impact on the domestic scene. Let’s face it when the first one goes there is the prospect of less washing, cleaning, ironing, arguments, not to mention one less tummy to fill. Roz sees a future filled with opportunities for her son and engages with the changes in her life like a pro surfer riding the breakers.

It’s not always easy to be philosophical though, most of the mothers I’ve spoken to have known for years their child will leave, and yet when they do actually go, it’s still a wrench. When an only child or the last one departs, those mums (and dads) know they had a role and now it’s gone forever.

Perhaps you too are experiencing another kind of change, but feel it came along too quickly or you could be adjusting to a sudden turn of events; one of life’s ‘curved balls’.

Regrets

Accepting it is the end of an era is key when you consider your son or daughter’s childhood is now over. This knowledge can come with a sense of regret. How do we get past those nagging thoughts? I wish I had spent more time with them, listened more, and disciplined them more and so on.  It is not for me to provide absolution, but I believe there is no such thing as the perfect parent; we are always going to get something wrong, as ours did for us. Most parents try their best with the personal resources they have available to them at the time, emotional and financial.  As Alexander Pope wrote in 1711, “To err is human, to forgive, divine.”

Time

Give yourself time to grieve the loss before putting yourself under pressure to move on. Keep in mind that releasing emotions is an important component of any healing process. It may help to focus on any positives about the new situation, even if you have to dig deep to identify them.

Positives

When young adults leave home you can take credit for having raised your child in such a way they are now ready to go out into the world without your daily intervention. You have reached the goal of every parent – well done you!

We never stop being a parent and maybe the relationship will benefit from some distance.

If you have more time at your disposal, try focusing on how you would like to use it. Perhaps you can take up a new hobby or with the new found freedom in your schedule, you could at less feel less pressurised. It may help to recall the days when your children were very young and you longed for a few hours off!

Communication with College Kids

Agree with your offspring how you wish to communicate; email, text, phone or skype etc, and get ready to respect their new found privacy and space. Many parents are alarmed at how little they hear from their son or daughter and worry that something is wrong. Although it is important to check-in that everything is okay, don’t expect daily contact, they are starting a new life and will be busy.

Take heart, your son or daughter may turn out to be one of the ‘Boomerang’ generation; nowadays sixty percent of kids move back home eventually – best not to convert their den to a guest room just yet!

Do you have any experience or ideas that you could share? Please go ahead and comment.

Other blog posts about college leavers

Wordgeyser.com – Collegebound Kids Twitter @Wordgeyser

HuffingtonPost.com – Starting College: A Guide for Parents 2013 Twitter @ HuffPostParents

PsychologyToday.com – Letting Go of College Kids Twitter @PsychToday

For information and sharing on parenting matters, check out:

ExpatChild.com Twitter @ExpatChild

Mumsnet.com Twitter @mumsnettowers ‘By parents for parents’

Book

The Global Nomad’s Guide to UniversityTransition’ by Tina L Quick